Sometimes the things I say or do surprise even myself. Take for example, this other-worldly voice that I've recently adapted over the last few weeks. It's my "Do what I say NOW! I've had enough of this nonsense!" tone and it even scares my husband. It doesn't sound like me, and yet, I feel my lips moving while this deep and scary roar bellows out over my children. So it must be me. Once the voice stops, I usually walk away bewildered and wondering "Who the hell was that?". It's not one of my finer moments - albeit it does do the trick.
I honestly can't believe I've resorted to screaming. Especially when I'm not exactly practiced at the whole thing and I end up spurting out half sentences that don't even make any sense. A typical "yell" for me: "Stop smacking your brother or I'll...put the chair down... No, no, I was talking to... hit on the head ONE MORE TIME... popcorn ALL over the floor... you'll see what happens when you go THERE for the rest of the night." Jesus H. Christ. It's like I'm so enthralled in the yelling part and there are so many children to discipline now that my brain just can't wrap around the words. I'm banking on the fact that because I'm yelling loud enough to make myself go hoarse for half an hour, the sheer volume should hopefully suffice.
Perhaps I'm finally losing my cool. I'd like to think that most moms do when the needle on their patience tanks hits empty. Of course I have yet to figure out how to fill it back up without requiring a month long vacation and so I find that most days I run on fumes. It's these days that I want to scream at my kids "Run, kids! Run! Get away while you still can! Mommy is a few bricks short of a load and a shipment ain't coming in anytime soon!". My hope is that if I am feeling particularly spunky and on edge then phrases such as that might at least warn them to not push my buttons.
...hang on
...Let me stop hysterically laughing...
Okay, I think I'm good.
It reminds me of a recent conversation I had with a fellow mommy about how we sometimes get mad at our kids for the silliest of things. Especially when we are stressed (which in a house of multiple children just keeps going full circle). As if these little kiddos were purposefully trying to get under our skin or stir up some mommy rage just to spite us. Two year old vendettas, or something like that. "We can't help ourselves!", we exclaimed as we admitted the truth to each other. We hold grudges that often just leave us feeling bitchy and exhausted while the kids, in their wonderfully forgiving nature, get over and on with it. Oh to be able to forgive and forget like a 5 year old again...
I've convinced myself that the yelling, for all intents and purposes, is a much needed thing on everyone's account. It's not like I'm yelling at the munchkins all day long, but when I do - it absolutely keeps them in check. For me, it's sort of like a release of built up anger or stress. The kids shake my bottle all day long until the carbonation can't take another minute more - BAM! Explosion. I have my tantrum, just like any self-respecting toddler would do when they are upset, and then I'm over it. Now, if I could just get the wording right.
I love this post, because I am right with you! The other day I was tired, and Cameron was just being a four year old little boy, and I ended up yelling, as I am doing the yelling I had an "out of body" experience. It was like I was watching someone else do it! So I put myself in time out, and that helped!
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