Okay, so I will admit I am a fan of the Twilight Saga series. I've read the books, I've seen the movies (more than once) and will be a big enough woman to tell you that it takes me back to my teen years... if only for an hour or two. So what? Aren't we all entitled to a little reminiscing of our somewhat carefree days of teenhood?
Well move over Stephenie Meyers, I'm starting a new series. It's called the Tantrum Saga. Instead of starring heart throb Rob Pattinson and semi-weirdo Kristin Stewart, my saga will star my 3 children, all with varying degrees of tantrum-ness. I, ring leader of the pack, will play Kristin Stewart's Dad's role: Charlie. For those of you not in the Twilight loop, he is completely aloof, a few bricks short of a load most days and his favorite past-time is zoning out from reality - and by this I mean he has NO idea that his daughter is part of a vampire-werewolf underworld and almost dies... several times. I'm playing "Charlie" not because I think I am naturally stupid or unaware. I just WANT to be disconnected... it's what gets me through.
Riley, playing role of "Edward": This kid WANTS to be a vampire. Or a superhero. Or anything that would give him some kind of special power. He's handsome in a boyish way and is always pointing out his pointy vampire "fangs" to anyone who will look at his teeth. One moment he's charming, sweet and irresistable to all 5 - 8 year old girls within a 10 mile radius. Two minutes later with a denied request for ice cream or the news that he has to (GOD FORBID) WALK HOME!!!...and he's making strange screechy animal noises at me and flopping his body all over the floor. From Twilight to Tantrum right before my very eyes. He's too big to contain these days, so I just let him flip-flop around for awhile and ignore him... often times acting as if he's not even there until he finishes. Cue: CHARLIE. Oh, and did I mention that he's got the role reversal confusion of thinking that I can read his mind at all times? Yeah, it ain't happening kid.
Olivia, playing role of "Bella": I might be partial but I'm pretty positive my little Livy is much more beautiful than the character she portrays. Of course, I am her Mother so I realize I'm biased. Just as Bella flits from happy to sad to pissed in the span of one measly minute, so does Livy. They are both a little bi-polar. Indecisive and moody, just when you think you are their best friend they turn around have a hissy fit in your face. All you ever want to scream at either one of these chicks is "JUST MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND GIRL!". Naturally I would never scream that at my 2 year old, although I have contemplated screaming that at Bella through my t.v. screen. Especially in Eclipse. Anyway, I'm sorry to say that Bella does not act much older than my toddler when it comes to tantrums. They both look strange when it comes over them, faces twisting and hair flying. Even the punching scene where Bella hits Jacob the werewolf in the face - my Livy has certainly tried that more than once. I have about as much of a chance of calming Olivia down during one of these lashing out moments as Edward ever does of convincing Bella to calm the EFF down so she doesn't almost get herself killed... again.
Natalie, playing the role of one of the vampire "Newborns": If you haven't seen Eclipse yet, you're probably confused. The brief description of a "newborn" is basically a vampire that was just transformed from a human form and is now thirsty for blood and absolutely crazy out of their mind attaking everything in sight. My baby Nats is usually more interested in a nice warm bottle of milk instead of blood, but the craziness can certainly be an accurate description at times. There are episodes of what I call "Nat's ATTACK MODE" where she squeals at an ear-piercing decibel and flaps her arms at you like she's trying to fly away. Open-mouthed, she attempts to attack your face and bite you with her brand new bottom teeth. Razor sharp - they could probably draw blood just like the newborns. I wouldn't classify this as a tantrum, however, because she is usually pretty happy during her episode. She has learned though, to my dismay, that she is also capable of tantrums. Take a toy away from her and watch her 16 pound body unravel faster than Edward's cute vampire ass can run from here to the street and back (again, for those of you out of the loop - he's EXTREMELY fast among other super-human powers). Throwing her head back in the most violent way, she screams at the top of her lungs and stiffens her body. This happened just yesterday and when I tried to sit her down, she refused. Her body was like a board, not bending in any way. Amongst several repetitive body convulsion type movements she is so mad that offering her the toy back or a cookie or a check for one million dollars just pisses her off even more. My hope is that, like the newborns of Twilight, Nats will one day calm her little ass down, stop biting so much and begin to develop some sense of reasoning. Hey, stop laughing.
So that's my Tantrum Saga. It's still a work in progress and can be very overwhelming at times. I'm positive that if I just keep practicing the "Charlie" way of life, I WILL survive this - only I would certainly hope that I'm a tad more aware of my kid's shenanigans. Particularly if they were involved with a pack of blood-suckers. Otherwise my story may end with a closing scene of Edward, Bella and the Newborn waving to me as I'm carted down the street in a straight jacket.
