3-2-1 Blast Off Fat!

I did it. I caved. I had another semi-bad day of eating nastiness (see previous post) and decided that I need some help.

After doing a bit of research on non-invasive weight loss programs today (i.e. Special K, No-carb, South Beach, etc.) I came upon Slim Fast. Apparently they have a new motto: 3-2-1. I was confused at first as to what this meant and even thought, "Well maybe it means "3-2-1 Blast Off Fat!" or something with similar awesome-ness. Now that would be cool! Alas, no. It does not. The numbers are as follows: 3 healthy snacks. 2 shakes or bars. 1 sensible dinner. Sounds easy enough, right? I thought so, and so I polished off my second cinnamon roll for dinner and vowed to start the 3-2-1 first thing tomorrow.
Of course, what is a diet plan without supplies? So off I went to Target this evening for some shakes and protein bars. Oh, and let me preface by saying that I was really embarassed by all of this and I still don't know why. It's not like I'm signing up for some diet pill that causes you to have several greasy bowel movements every day. No, I do not know about that one personally, but I've heard first-hand accounts and it sounds truly frightening. I'm sorry but I'd rather be the largest one in the room than stand there and poop my pants - only to have it smell like a potato chip factory.
Anyway. So I nonchalantly throw in a large box of Slim Fast cans from the bargain aisle (score!) into my cart and power walk away from the aisle completely hoping no one would see me. I realize that I have no idea where the bars would be and so I end up asking an employee - never making full eye contact of course - and she points me in the direction of the medical supplies. Uh. Okay.
After much searching I finally find them at the end of the aisle by the pharmacy where several people are waiting... and watching. UGH. I pick up a box and say loudly - probably a little too loudly- "Hmm. I wonder if she wanted this flavor or that one?" I then proceed to pull an old shopping list out of my purse and look it over. I can't even remember where this list came from and I sure as hell know that it has absolutely nothing written on it about Slim Fast. It makes me feel better though and so I nod my head emphatically like I finally figured it out and dump a box of bars in my cart. I take off like a mad woman.
Feeling quite proud of myself for getting both items and managing to not pick up any other crap along the way, I beeline it for the check-out. Thinking the hardest part is over, I load my stuff up onto the conveyor belt and let out a sigh of relief because there is only one shopper in front of me. No one to stand behind me and scan my stuff like I usually would do with theirs. Whew!
This is when it gets ugly. A few points I'd like to make before the big finale though.

1. The lady in front of me is probably 300 pounds.
2. She is buying at least 50 air fresheners.
3. She has COUPONS FOR ALL OF THEM which must be scanned individually.

SIGH. SIGH. SIGH. Dear God. Can I EVER. EVER. FRICKEN'. EVER. go to Target without some kind of incident? .............Didn't think so.

The lady, apparently in her haste to purchase the entire stock of Target air fresheners, has miscounted and actually needs one more to be able to use all of her coupons. The deal is buy one, get one free. For some reason, to make it even better, the cashier tells her she can only buy a blue or purple color. WTF? WHY? Aren't they all the same price? He then tells the lady to go grab one and he will suspend her transaction until she gets back. He doesn't want me to have to wait. She throws a fit, says everyone will just have to wait and then throws her checkbook down on the little check writing area thingy and demands a pen. She says she'll write him a deposit to hold her space in line. WHAT. THE. EFF??
She then looks me squarely in the face and says "You don't mind, do you?". At this point I am petrified of this woman and so is the cashier. He mumbles something about getting the air freshener himself and goes running. Literally sprinting back through the check-out lanes. Of course, two customers are now lined up behind me and I just KNOW they are looking at my Slim Fast. But just in case they aren't? 300 pound lady, making conversation while we wait, announces to me in her loud and booming voice "Slim Fast, huh? Yeah. I like the chocolate ones best, been drinking them everyday for the last 6 months!" I smile and not knowing what to say, nod my head like an idiot and let out an "Ohhhh." She looks so proud of herself. I couldn't fathom bursting her bubble.
Grrrrrreat. Not only does the entire Target population now know I am purchasing Slim Fast when I was THIS close to sneaking out unnoticed... but even worse? 300 pound lady and I are now on the same weightloss program. I'm not getting my hopes up on this one.