Man vs. Mom

After having 3 kids that are 5 and under, I finally did the math and realized that I've spent 1,825 days of my life repeating the following scenarios. After more calculations, I've also come to realize that I have 6,570 more days of it left... and that's if they move out on the day of their 18th birthdays. Okay. You can stop laughing now.

Oh, and I want to make one more note before we begin. Although the following information below holds true for a lot of people, I do realize that there are also several fathers and husbands out there who DO chip in and help out on a regular basis. I can say for certain that I am happily married to a man who fits that bill most of the time. Of course, that doesn't mean he never has moments where I want to kill him. =)

Morning Routine

Mom: Wake up from a night riddled with at least 3 baby feedings and five lost pacifier episodes, take a 3 minute shower (making sure to shave legs and armpits because after all, you ARE a lady most days aren't you?), brush teeth, get dressed, comb hair, apply some semblance of make-up, greet the munchkins as they wake, change multiple diapers, swap out pjs for play clothes, and somehow manage to get all kids at kitchen table and/or in highchair.

Man: Wake up from restful night's sleep, sit on toilet for 20 minutes while leisurely reading magazine, take long hot shower, get dressed.

Breakfast Time

Mom: Make coffee, make bottles, make pancakes... then cereal when noses are turned up at pancakes, make juice or chocolate milk sippy cups, fight to put on bibs, keep food on table and NOT on floor, squeeze in at least half a cup of coffee... which has sat in cup and is now cold... to make day start off on right foot, eat half a bagel while cleaning up dishes, wiping faces and hands and loading dishwasher and washing pans and other misc. utensils from previous night.

Man: Drink coffee, eat, put empty bowl and spoon on counter by sink.

Work

Mom: Finish dishes, turn on movie to entertain while doing dishes, put baby in exersaucer for 5 minutes, baby screams, put baby in swing, baby screams, breastfeed baby until she falls asleep, carefully put her in bed and pray that she stays asleep for at least 30 minutes, refill sippy cups, respond to multiple snack requests because breakfast was only half eaten, get down crayons and paper, fill up water table out back, get kids shoes on, release them out the door, respond to multiple requests to "Come here!" and "Look at this!" and "I need...", apply sunscreen when sun starts to blare, refill sippy cups again, sweep floor, clean-up scattered toys throughout entire house, clear off debris from office desk and kitchen table and sort out junk mail, make doctors appointments, set up schedules for camps, set up sitters for upcoming events, check e-mail, vacuum living room, clean-up playroom, wipe down highchair and tables covered in breakfast crumbs, straighten up bathroom and clean off pee on toilet seat and floor..and tub??...from 5 year old, change 2 year olds diaper for the second time because she is stinking up the house, scrub tub from previous days mud excursion, pull all laundry together, start washing and drying, fold dry clothes, start another load, and another load... and another. Baby wakes up, feed baby again. Hold her for a few minutes and play, put her in Bumbo seat so she can watch you fold clothes. Kids want to come inside. Get towels to dry them off, clothes are gross so they must be changed. Kids covered in mud so they need to be bathed completely before setting one foot on couch. Put kids in tub, soap them down and rinse. Sit for 10 minutes while they "swim" and then yank them out to be dried again. Chase toddler through house and fight to put diaper and clothes on. Big brother puts clothes on inside out and backwards so you must threaten him to take off and fix as he screams in protest. 5 year old wants another snack. So does 2 year old. Stand in pantry for 3 solid minutes. Nobody wants anything in there. Stand in front of fridge for 3 solid minutes. Nobody wants anything in there. Back to pantry. Kids ask for candy. Offer up graham crackers and raisins instead. Some fussing but kids agree. Put them at snack table to eat, they drop raisins everywhere. You clean up, empty trash, pull out something frozen from freezer to thaw for dinner time. Make warm cup of milk, find pacifier, get 2 year old in bed for nap. Clean up toys AGAIN all while carrying baby around on your hip. Do puzzle with 5 year old. Set him up on computer for a few games on pre-school website. Feed kids lunch. Baby is fussy, feed her again and put to sleep. Drop in crib. Finish up laundry and put away in closets and drawers. Make list for grocery store and prepare another snack. Finally make the chocolate milk that has been requested 15 times in 2 minutes. Not a spec of grown-up conversation is to be had or seen anywhere in the last 9 hours.

Man: Go to office, do some work, pal around with co-workers, eat lunch in peace, put in 8 hours and get back in the car to come home.

Exercise:

Mom: PRAY that you have at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted time to get in some cardio. Jump on exercise bike, put one ear bud from MP3 player in ear and start pedaling. Other ear free in case baby wakes up. Four minutes later 5 year old wants a drink. Jump off, take ear bud out of ear and drape over bike. Get drink. Back on bike, put ear bud back in ear. A moment later 5 year old needs help with computer games, he's stuck and slamming mouse down on desk. Jump off. Forget about ear bud as it yanks you back to the bike where the MP3 player is attached. Cuss silently. Get him on the right track and back to game he was playing. Jump back on bike. Screw MP3 player, you haven't gotten past the first song anyway and toss it on the floor. Start pedaling and just start to sweat. Phone rings. Doctors office calling to confirm appointment next week. Jump off and then back on bike. 6 minutes later 5 year old is having computer issues again. Tell him to get off and watch Spongebob until I'm done. Turn on t.v. and search for Spongebob. Not on. Settle on something else after MUCH protesting. Jump back on bike. 1 minute later, 5 year old wants snack. Tell him to get it himself. He tries. He wants fruit snacks but they are too high to reach. Jump BACK OFF bike... grumbling loudly now... and go get fruitsnacks. Jump back on bike. Two complete circles of the pedals and baby cries over monitor. Swear at bike. Go get baby and feed her. Hope to jump back on and at least get to 30 minutes but realize that 5 year old already jumped on as soon as you stood up and reset your time... which you never looked at before you got up and so now you have no idea how much you've already done. Screw it.

Man: Go to gym. Get in full 30 minute workout completely uninterrupted, catch up with friend in the weight room and then head home for nice long shower.

Dinner Time

Mom: Remember to thaw something in morning so it's ready for afternoon cooking. Plan out something that at least resembles healthy and covers food groups, isn't too expensive, hope the kids will eat, and will stretch far enough to use for lunch again tomorrow or maybe even dinner. Prep and cook and cook and cook all while kids play beside you and you constantly watch them to make sure they aren't touching the stove, getting under your foot so you trip over them while draining hot pasta, and avoiding land mines of matchbox cars and baby dolls. Set table, argue with kids when they peek at what you are making and scream "I HATE THAT!". Try to keep dinner warm because husband is stuck in traffic. Kids are in meltdown because they are hungry. Pull out food for them, cut into tiny pieces on plastic plates making sure no food touches another and "contaminates" it. Get sippy cups filled. Put toddler in highchair as she tries to climb out. 5 year old sits at table and uses fork to repeatedly stab placemat. Yell at him to stop. Toddler yells at him too. They each eat 4 bites and say they are done just as I sit at table and begin feeding baby. Can't get up while baby attached to boob to get toddler out of highchair. Toddler screaming and red-faced now. I stand up and single handedly feed baby while using other arm to lift up 29 pound 2 year old and put her on floor. Pull back muscle in the process. Kids run off to play. Finish feeding baby, put her back in Bumbo seat with several chewy toys, break-up fight between toddler and 5 year old, grab plate and eat half of now freezing cold dinner before baby screams. Pick her up and rock her. Eat rest of dinner that is now so cold it's stuck to the plate.

Man: Walk in front door from work and kick off shoes in middle of hallway. Say hi to kids as he grabs plate and loads it with steaming food. Sit at table, eat.

Leaving the House

Mom: Find diaper bag because you have no idea where you left it when you got home yesterday. Find it in 2 year olds room, contents completely strewn across floor with wipes pulled out of container and stuffed through slats of crib. Clean up mess and begin assembling basics. Diapers for baby. Diapers for 2 year old. Throw wipes in a ziploc now that original container is destroyed. Search for diaper cream, throw that in too. Add an extra outfit in the bag for each child. 3 bibs, 1 burp cloth, baby food, spoon, sippy cups, formula, bottle, water, pacifiers, my wallet, cell phone, chapstick, baby toys, tissues, snacks, plastic bags for dirty diapers, sunscreen (cause you just never know!), 4 matchbox cars, and a blanket. Try to organize as best you can and throw up over your shoulder. Stagger under the weight of it and drop with a loud THUD to the floor by the front door. Make sure all kids have brushed teeth, eaten, have clean clothes on, socks on, shoes on, necessary items like blankies and armfuls of toys they just HAVE to bring, and usher toward front door. Take each child one by one to car and load into car seats while 2 year old escapes through screen door and goes running for the street... or the cat next door... or a squirrel running up a tree. Save her life for the 3rd time in one day and carry her to car to be strapped in. Get in car and begin backing out of driveway. 5 year old has to pee.

Man: Once dressed, grab wallet and keys and walk out door.

Sick Children

Mom: Begin day sick with worry as always... and then multiply that worry by 50 when you realize kids have fever, pink eye or are throwing up. Or any of the other multitude of illnesses they seem to be harboring. Take temperature and decide what meds to dispense. Get child comfortable on couch and engrossed in movie. Continue doing this for days if culprit is a virus, or call doctor if it seems like a professional opinion needed. 3 days later, no improvement. Call doctor, make appointment. Take child(ren) to doctor's office, wait in waiting room for FOREVER all while calming fussy child(ren), fill out a stack of forms, finally see doctor and constantly reassure child that "blood pressure" does NOT mean he is getting a shot and measuring his weight will NOT hurt. Doctor gives you a prescription for child(ren) after you spend more of your life savings on co-pays and you pile kids in car to rush off to pharmacy to get those meds coursing through their tiny bodies as quickly as possible. You both need the relief. Continue to administer meds for 10 days on a schedule and hope that they work. Go back to doctor's office for follow-up appointment. As you sit listening to the doctor give a clean bill of health report you feel a scratch in your throat and a slight flush of feverish warmth come over you. Yep, you know you are done for.

Man: Pats you on the back while you administer amoxicillan for the 15th time in one week which you take to mean he's happy you are playing "Nurse Mommy". He ultimately ends up catching cold from kids too and you end up being "Nurse Wifey" as well. You make chicken soup for hubby while he lays in bed and self-professes that he must be "dying" and you sigh, wipe your own nose, and walk toward the kitchen to clean up... again.

All this brings me to one question: What on Earth would we EVER do without our Mother's? =)